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You might -- after a few shots -- get the courage to speak to one or two of them. And they'd probably shoot you down, although they were always polite to your face. And if you did meet someone nice, you'd hang on to them for at least a month or two. Even if he wasn't perfect, you'd give him a chance, because the chances of finding someone else good on another night out might be slim. Unlimited Choice But now, we've got hundreds -- if not thousands -- of options on apps.

I don't really think gay guys online are evil and soulless although I know my complaints make it seem that way ; I just think we're all totally overwhelmed. Some of my mates get 40 or 50 messages a day online. You can't meaningfully respond to all of them. So what happens next? It Makes You Superficial. Let's be honest, there is NO way you can show your heart and soul to a guy in the first message.

You just can't do it. So if you've got 20 guys, and all of them say some version of "Hi. How are you? But my sister told me one thing that totally turned out to be true: We're guys. We respond to people we find attractive. Yes, that sucks on one level, but it's just how the way things are. But the apps exacerbate that. Back in the old days of four years ago , there were numerous ways to show that you're attractive to a guy you like.

You can read their body language, their confidence level, their ability to hold a conversation, fashion sense, common interests, any number of things.

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But NONE of these things can come through in an app -- and they certainly can't come through within the first message or two. So all you're left with is one simple photo.

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That's it. Your experience and any potential future you might hold with the person comes down to one photo. Manners go out the window.


So everyone is judging everyone based off of one photo or whatever cock pics you might want to send while people are trying to eat their breakfast. If you're lucky enough to be the type of guy who receives more chats than he starts, then eventually, you just start going with the prettiest one possible.

I'm not saying you're a superficial shady cunt, but unless you're channeling the Buddha inside of you, eventually, superficial behavior will take over, and to everyone else you'll stop caring about their feelings or how the rejection might affect them. And if you're like me who sends out more messages than he typically receives, you just start throwing stuff at everyone hoping to get a response. Back when I was first starting to use Grindr, I'd read everyone's profile carefully and try to find an area of common interest where we could connect.

Guess how well that worked? So after a while, I just started saying "Hey. How's it going? Eventually, I would just start saying "Hey" or "Hi" if they weret even that cute.

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So after a while you just stop caring -- or at least, you try to stop caring. So everyone begins to develop an "I don't care" attitude. They're overwhelmed by the app, and they stop caring or thinking with the slightest modicum of respect for other people's feelings: In life there's always a consequence for acting like a dick head. If you act like a dick on the job, you'll probably get fired unless you're the boss -- but even then people under you have a way of getting even: Yeah, don't forget to go vote against Trump!

I digress. If you act like a dick to your friends, they will shun you. And I can only speak for me, but if you disrespect me in public, I'm going to throw a drink in your face. The point is, in the real world, acting like a jerk has consequences. But online, there is are no consequences. There's no Grindr police who will pull you over and give you a citation.

None of your friends can see what you say or do. And certainly your mama isn't going to -- we hope. With a press of a button, you can make anyone go away and you never have to live with the consequence of your hateful behavior. Don't get me wrong. Some people just keep messaging cock pics forever unless you block them, so we NEED the block button. But I am pointing out that one of the risks of such functions means that we are less present to how we leave others, and I'm not sure most gays are aware of this.

Moreover, you can say things -- abusive things -- that no one in their right mind would say in real life, and there's no check on your behavior. Some people get away with it, and it's clear that they derive satisfaction from making someone else feel bad. And some get "reported. And if your account gets deactivated, all you have to do is delete the app, reinstall and use a different email address. So there's no consequence for acting like a jerk. The question that nags me is: If you had asked me before , I would have said no, most people can handle the distinction.

But now with Trump's campaign I'm not so sure.

How to navigate dating in a big city gay

Donald Trump is one giant anonymous comment section on the internet made manifest into a single man. He's the embodiment of the new app age. Everyone feels entitled to say whatever stupid thing pops into their head, and there are no consequences for saying dumb shit -- quite the opposite.

Trump sailed through the primary saying crazier and crazier stuff. He was rewarded for his innate rants. But to bring it back to gay men, we need to be questioning whether app culture is making us less sensitive to caring about other people and worse boyfriend material. So I once took a seminar on relationships, and one of the homework assignments was to do something romantic for someone.

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